Monday, September 3, 2018

so I pretty much suck

My URL was about to expire about a week ago. I wondered for a moment if it was even worth it to renew. I remember a time when all I did was blog. I enjoyed it so much. But I also used it as a way to hide. Hide from the hell that was going on in my life. And just when things seem to be doing better. Robby and I finally have a marriage that I think is good. Our kids are happy and we are doing well in almost all areas of our life... well life happens. It's funny because now it seems like life is just as crazy in different ways but I don't have a chance to hide. I have to face it and deal. And some days I just don't want to. 

Right at 2 years ago, my mom was diagnosed with cancer again. And when dad told us I knew. I knew that was going to be it. Mom wasn't even able to give us the news. Oh she called later and assured me she was going to listen to the doctors and see what she could do to fight it. But I think all along I knew there was no coming back from it. She had defeated breast cancer 8 years earlier, was she really going to be able to fight it all again. Oh and fight she did. We all did. We fought daily for about 18 months. It was the best and the worst time of my life. 

The best because I spent every moment I could with my mommy. I made every moment count. As an adult I got closer to both of my parents than I had in a long time. And my sister. I think this definitely brought us closer together. I couldn't have done this without her. But it was the worst because I watched her suffer. I watched as I lost her. March 18th I lost my best friend and my life hasn't been the same since. 

I go about my daily life, working at a wonderful job at a library. I mean, damn, I'm surrounded by books ALL DAY LONG. Seriously. What more could I want? Oh yeah, I get to work with the kids! Kids and books. Then I come home and I'm surrounded by my family. 

Gracie is growing up into a beautiful young lady. She's 15 going on wayyyy to old. She's gorgeous but doesn't realize it. Thank God. She's focused on school killing in it Honors classes! Still interested in boys. Talking about Homecoming! Eeek! Anybody need a dress reviewed? ha! No seriously.

Matt is so full of himself. 10 years old and so ornery. Totally addicted to all things Fortnite, Minecraft, and Logan and Jake Paul. And still the most cuddly of little boys. 

Robby and I fight pretty much daily over stupid stuff. I think it's 60/40 his fault. hahaha 🙌 But I still love him. I truly can't imagine my life without him. He's a pain in the ass but he's my pita. August made 17 years with this man. SEVENTEEN YEARS!! I've put in a lot of time with him. Totally worth it though. 

Despite all of this...I feel like I'm floating along. That I'm missing something. Some days I laugh and I'm perfectly fine. Others I laugh and smile and I hide all the pain inside. I know I'm still grieving. I think I always will. Yet, I think it's something else. I feel like I'm missing something. I don't know if it's just from missing mom or if it's something more. 

And then I have some wonderful friends who have been right there through it all. Telling me I AM going to get through it. That it's okay to not be okay. I believe them. I have been so blessed to have them in my life. I really don't know what I would have done without them. 💗

I miss blogging but some days it feels like so much work to open up the site and type anything. I still read like crazy. Reading is what got me through the last few years. I've always been able to hide in a book when I needed to get away from reality. And boy-o have I needed that. 

I'm doing the 2018 Goodreads Challenge. Still trying to beat my 2014 score. I don't think I will. As horrible as 2018 has been I still haven't been able to match the books read in 2014. I hate to see what 2022 brings. Oh shit, that's the year Gracie graduates. I'm doomed. LOL!! 😆

So I've decided I pretty much suck. And I'm going to try to do better. Don't count on it though. You forgot for a moment I suck and my staying power right now is lacking...soooo yeah. 😛

Remember that song by Randy Travis...

I don't plan on going to jail though. bahahaha!! 😂 Just the whole road to Hell is paved with good intentions!! Ohhh geeeezzz!! 😏

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