Monday, June 18, 2007

life is so sad

I say that because today I woke up to Mom calling me and telling me that my uncle had died this morning. Very unexpectedly. We hadn't seen each other in a very long time - he and my aunt (mom's sister) lived in Ohio. But throughout my childhood I remember seeing them all the time....I anticipated the visits. As a child that was one of the highlights. To this day when I hear about any of them, I get excited. It brings back good memories. I hate what my aunt Betty will have to go through. They had grown up together and would have been married 51 years this December. From the time Mom told me, I have kind of felt numb. I hadn't shed a tear until just a few minutes ago...when all was quiet and dark. I want to scream out that life is unfair and I'm tired of death all around. But I know he's in a better place. I just have to remember that and not want to be angry that someone else that I loved has passed.

Growing up, I was constantly at the funeral home. We would go with my Mom, Granny, and Grandpa whenever they ad someone pass...as my grandparents were older...it was quite often. It's always been there. A part of life. Inevitable. I've seen death as my Mom took care of her mother (Granny) as she died from cancer, and been there with Robby as he took care of his Papaw (also from cancer). When my other Grandma was sick (when I was pregnant with Gracie), I went to visit, and I just knew....I knew that was the last time I'd see her alive. I couldn't break down...I was pregnant and had to make sure I didn't hurt her...so I learned to cope. And I think I still am, trying to protect myself. I'm just tired....so tired of this. But even in the wake of all of this, I'm not scared of death. I know lots of people are. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to die....but I'm not afraid of what will happen.

I'm just very sad. I want to cry and vent and make everything better. But only time will help us adjust. Things will never be the same....but I guess that's the way it's suppose to be.