Saturday, June 18, 2011

Better to have loved and lost ...

I've been sad. Extremely sad.

If you're friends on Facebook you know why. After having had her in my life for nearly 14 years. I lost my beloved doggie, Blondie.

Lil Miss Attitude...she was just a pup here.

Blondie loved sleeping at the end of the bed. I'll miss feeling her there as I sleep.

Thursday morning when we woke up she wasn't herself. She was wobbly and had fallen over (in what we would later know was a seizure) and she also had a bad hacking cough. Robby actually stayed home with me that day because she had never had any episodes like that and we really thought it was the end.

She cuddled with me a little on Thursday. It was the first time in ages she let me hold her on my lap and cover her up like a baby. She wasn't eating much but I was able to get her to eat some chicken nuggets. She really loved chicken nuggets. After the wobbly spell she was sluggish but seemed better except for the cough.

Then nighttime came. And she got worse. From midnight to around 6am she had 3 seizures. It was one of the scariest things I'd ever seen and I know that they say seizures aren't painful and the moaning is involuntary but she looked in pain. I hated it.

Friday morning I called the vet and Robby took her before he went in late for work. The vet had said that her lungs and heart sounded very bad. They wanted to run blood tests and do x-rays and as much as I wanted to I couldn't justify spending all of that money to possibly have the same outcome knowing her age. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make...deciding to have her put down.

I cried off and on all day. I really feel as if I've lost a part of me. I knew it could happen at anytime. I mean she was 14 1/2 years old. And I knew I'd be sad...but I honestly didn't know I've feel such pain and emptiness.

I was only 17 years old when I got her. She was a birthday present for my 18th b-day. It would actually be about 10 days away from exactly 14 years ago. I had just lost my Granny and Blondie was great company for me at night when I couldn't sleep. She was my baby. She was at my wedding. She was with me when I brought home my babies. There has never been a time that I've lived in this house that she didn't also. Everywhere I look I see her and the memories are overwhelming.

The kids are sad as well. Well, Gracie is, it hit her pretty hard. She hasn't experienced much loss in her young life. Matthew really doesn't understand what's going on. He keeps asking if we'll see her tomorrow. As much as I want to hide from it all I stay strong for them and remind them of all the good times we had.

I told Gracie that as much as I hurt I wouldn't trade it at all for those precious years I had with Blondie.

I just wonder when I'm going to stop looking for her...

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